David Cahill


TV Is Bad

Watch any TV lately?

Besides a few favorites (The Simpsons, Mr. Show, VHI’s Behind the Fucking Music, Which I Cannot Stop Watching…help me), I tend not to watch too much television. Not to say that there’s not good stuff out there, but I just can’t wade through all the crap to find it. (OK, I know there’s a TV Guide to help with my selection, but I don’t believe anything I read, certainly not a rag that describes Nathan Lane’s new sitcom "a hoot"). For each of the Simpsons, Seinfelds and Frasiers, there are 20 really, really lame shows, most of which either feature Joey Lawrence or Howie Mandel (or… shudder… both).

I have to back off the crappy shows, though; they’re not evil intrinsically. What really pisses me off are the executives at the networks who decide on the new programs each season. I have absolutely no gripe against a writer that comes up with a show about "three sassy 20-somethings living in Boston." That person is a creative type, and is entitled to his/her creative decision. No, I have the problem with the salmon-headed executive that says: "that’s good, but give them a monkey as a roommate, and it’s golden!" (This is a topic for a different column, but what the HELL is with Hollywood and fucking monkeys?!? Every year there seems to be at least one movie with wacky monkey highjinks. But I digress. They’re probably easier to work with than Val Kilmer.)

So, I thrust my blame right to the top (Hey! That sounds like the perfect name for a new show on Fox!). Every season, a new slew of really, really bad shows come out, most of which are geared to the Moron demographic. OK, some shows are decent, but why do 90% of them treat their audiences like fools? Why can’t the people that approve and air these shows just pick up a copy of Entertainment-freakin’-Weekly, and realize that the shows in the top 10 are almost always high-quality, and, more importantly, not insulting to the viewers’ intelligence. Examples: 60 Minutes, Frasier, Seinfeld, etc.

Can I get a witness?

If you agree with what I’m saying, I have a suggestion on how you can get out some of these aggressions. Turn on your TV and watch a bad show. It’s not hard (statistics say that if you click the TV on, your chances of watching a crappy show starring Messrs. Lawrence and/or Mandel are currently ~97.6%). Anyway, at the commercial break, take note of the sponsors. As you watch more and more stupid, stupid TV, I bet you’ll start to see a pattern. If Company X Brand Vibrating Dildos advertise on a stupid shows, don’t buy them. Buy Company Y Brand Vibrating Dildos, or whatever brand you see on shows that don’t insult your intelligence. (If you’re feeling confident in your boycott, but don’t feel quite satisfied, you can be more aggressive. If you go to a mall and there’s a promotional stand with some golf-shirt wearing cock-knocker asking you if you want to try a free Pepsi One, tell him to fuck himself and Howie Mandel too.)

Think about it: all you have to do is not buy something. Easy, yet you’re making a point. This plan will work perfectly until they start putting subliminal messages in the TV shows, encouraging us to buy certain products (zombie voice: "must buy Company X Brand Vibrating Dildos……".) This is not going to happen until next fall, so, until then, enjoy your free will!

After that, I’m gonna start stalking the one person to blame for all this mess: Uncle Milty.

Anyone wanna come along?

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