David Cahill



An Empty Mayonnaise Jar and Ben Affleck: A Correlation


My problems with Hollwood's film community are far too numerous to limit to this one column, so I'll spread things out a bit.

Let's start with actors, shall we?

Here is my list of actors that are of no value as thespians, and have very little value even when broken down into chemicals:


Wesley Snipes: This man is not 100% talentless. However, he is 99.999% inept at choosing movie roles. The one exception, of course, is Passenger 57, which, of course, should have taken Double Indemnity's place on the AFI 100 list. The Bright Side?: He's getting more and more ripped with every flick, and sooner or later, his neck is just gonna explode.


Robin Williams: Back off! Back off! Let me explain! This is not the Good Will Hunting, Fisher King, Good Morning Vietnam Robin Williams. No, no, I'm referring to the Flubber, Father's Day, Patch Adams Robin Williams. You know what I mean, admit it. The Bright Side: his work is very polarized, and easy to spot: he's either going be outstanding or absolutely cloying. Grey Area: Awakenings, which is a tearjerker, although he is very good.


Woody Allen: My problem is not with Woody as an actor, really, or as a writer or director. Indeed, I think he's often a genius in all those fields. And I have no comment about his personal life, which is none of our business. No, my gripe is with Woody Allen the Casting Director. The guy looks one of the fucking creatures from The Dark Crystal, and he's casting himself with leading ladies like Julia Roberts, Helena Bonam Carter, Elizabeth Shue-- the list goes on. It's absurd. The Bright Side: tick-tock, Woody.


David Arquette: this guy's not worth any more ink...


Ben Affleck: Oh, Ben. Vacant, vacant Ben. I'm probably gonna get a lot of flack for this, but I really think Ben is pretty useless on screen. Chasing Amy was a great movie, but, guess what? It had nothing to do with the acting or directing. The Bright Side: Ben was just fine in GWH, because he was just the buddy. That's all he should ever be.


Christopher Lambert: The grandaddy of them all. This man is 200% worthless as an actor, or as a carbon-based form of life. Name one movie in which he even watchable, and I'll give you a million, billion dollars. Yes, even Highlander. Come on? Watch it lately? It's crap, and so is he. Calling Highlander his best work is like saying Hitler almost got into art school. OK, so I have no idea what that means, but it somehow works, doesn't it? The Bright Side: last night I went out for Chinese, and my fortune cookie said: "Stay Away From Christopher Walken This Week. He's Going to Be Killed in A Firey Explosion." I went home, erased "Walken," and put in "Lambert" with my typewriter. Now we just have to sit back and wait…

I'm sure there are more, but I'm trying to keep current (what's the point of ripping on John Barrymore?)

Disagree with any of this? Cool, that's what it's all about. Give me some feedback.

(NOTE: no Christopher Lamberts, please)

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